Rejection is something that we all face all the time in so many different ways, but I want to talk about rejection on a very personal level, rejection within your inner circle with your family and lovers.
Rejection is a life pattern for me which started the moment my mother found out that she was pregnant with me. I was not wanted, and the thought of me was shock, horror and burden. This carried on through out my up bringing and filtered through to the rest of my family. I was severely bullied and abused by my siblings and my mother never really warmed up to me. My father was not really interested in anyone but himself and that never really changed through out my life. This was my paradigm, I was the last born and no one in my immediate family bonded with me. When I was 13 I overheard my mom talking to friends one night and she told them that she didn't love me, that she would never love me, that she never wanted me and that I should never have been born. So there was the nail in the coffin to set the paradigm for a very fucked up rest of my life when it comes to love and acceptance because I only knew how not to be loved and wanted, and I had no idea how to really bond with people.
This rejection pattern and paradigm has filtered through my life into all of my personal relationships, I have only been attracted to men who will reject me. The compass for love was totally cock eyed, so it could not lead me to a love of mutual respect and adoration, I could only be led to relationships where I do the adoring and they do the stuff that my family did, treat me like shit.
Rejection has the same effect on us as physical pain does, it sets off exactly the same brain chemicals. Rejection has a whole lot of interesting effects on us when we are experiencing it. It lowers our IQ, it makes us lose our reasoning, we can relive the exact same reaction we had to rejection, just by thinking about it. Rejection destabilizes our sense of belonging, (and this can be massively damaging because we are social creatures). If you would like to read more about interesting facts on rejection check out psychologytoday .
What effects does rejection have on the human spirit? It destroys self confidence and morale. It sends us in a cycle of self punishment and negative self talk because we tend to blame ourselves. That is a pretty serious effect I would say! If we manifest our reality, it will be pretty hard if not impossible to manifest positive decision making, we will be keeping ourselves small and in pain. I definitely notice this in myself. I have moments when I am flying and life just couldn't be better, but then something happens to me, revolving around my rejection pattern and I lose reason and all positivity, and getting myself back into the saddle is serious hard work. Based on my history this is understandable, but for the person I choose to be and life I choose to live, it is not conducive at all, in fact it is very damaging, because it doesn't allow me to move forward in one constant direction, I tend to give my self whiplash from moving fast in my happy direction and then start running in the opposite direction with a personal rejection. Being on track for me is a HUGE amount of effort, because the early paradigm tends to get in the way of normality.
I handle lifes normal rejections in a healthy don't take it personally kind of way, BUT the rejections of not being accepted and loved is a very serious thing for me and something I work on and battle with each and every time it pops up. I don't believe in desensitizing myself to things and losing my vulnerability, because that is going backwards in life in my mind. I believe in facing this thing head on and keep facing it over and over and over and over again until I heal from the enormous pain I experienced as a child. The big question is how do you heal from this, I mean truly heal?
I think healing from something this deep set is a challenge, but DEFINITELY doable, I am an eternal optimist and no matter what shit sandwich I get dealt in life I ALWAYS believe that it can get better. So with that said, what is the starting point?
- I think self awareness is the first piece needed to solving this puzzle, because if you can stand on the outside watching your own reaction and know where it is coming from and why, with a bit of practice you can change the reaction. BUT you need to be compassionate with yourself, and gentle on yourself to make the change.
- You need to raise your standards, if someone is being a dick and not giving you as much as you are giving them, walk away, (no matter how hard it feels at the time) make choices based on what is truly best for you not out of desperation to be loved and accepted. When the rejection response is on alert in me I can see that I believe that I am the one losing out! A lying, cheating man seems like a loss to me! A total loss of reason is what it actually is. I deserve so much better, yet I can't see that at the time.
- Find a support system! This is a VERY difficult thing for me to do. I never feel like I belong anywhere or with anyone, so I battle to pick up the phone and call a friend when I am going through a hard time, (even one that I have had since I was five.) I don't have family support, so I just tend to deal with things on my own. I mark myself a zero out of ten on this healing tool and it is one that I need to start getting at least a five out of ten for. Meet up is an excellent way to meet new, like minded people and find a new sense of belonging, there are hundreds, if not thousands of groups to choose from, or you can start your own group.
- Energy healing, this is an unbelievable tool for healing any area of your life. If you have the awareness of what is wrong and what you want to work on, you can move mountains with this tool, because it can remove the emotional baggage that causes you to attract the same patterns into your life. I use this ALL the time and I don't think I would have come as far in life without it.
- Counselling or psychotherapy is also an excellent way to get to know yourself better, it creates self awareness and helps us find solutions to trouble shooting areas we have in our lives.
I think that is a very good start to dealing with deep seated rejection, and if you can follow through with the suggestions is could be a long term solution to your healing to. I can say that there is no quick fix and that there is no magic pill for this, but there is a journey of self discovery and self love. This is an on going journey for me, sometimes it is really hard and it feels so lonely, like I am the only person alive who has no one. But other times I feel strong and happy to be me, and all of my life is a gift just because I am alive.
I choose not to fold to the rejection, I choose to feel my pain and love myself even if every other human being on the planet doesn't want me, because I want me. I want to be happy just like everybody else. That happiness for me is not constant joy, it is the journey of my life, the choice to never give up on myself and to keep moving forward no matter how hard that is.
We are all here to overcome different life challenges, my main one is definitely rejection. What is yours? Do you also have a pattern of rejection in your life? Please leave a comment below, I would love to help you.
With much love